Who ever said it was easy...

A few weeks ago (a month or so back, I guess, I never pay attention to time) I met a girl who exclaimed it must be great to be without my family here. I just smiled and said, no, it's not actually. I guess it's always easier to assume I have it easier. No curfews (although I haven't had one since I was 15), no direct nagging, no one to knock on my bedroom door and ask if I've been drinking, no hiding the cigarettes, no interrogation of what's, why's when's, how's.

But it's not. I've always been surrounded by family, by loved ones. Even when I took my semester off for an exhange to HELP Uni in 2007, there's always this reassurance and knowledge that I'll be back after 7 months. Even when I was studying in Berlin I'd know I could just take the ICE train and be back home in 4 hours. One and a half years ago I decided to pack and lock two suitcases and board a plane to KL for an undecided period of time. Since then.. well you'd know if you were a friend. A lot of highs, a lot of lows, the life of someone who is trying to prove to her parents that she can survive being in Malaysia, trying her best to be independent (or something like that). And in the end, maybe it's not enough, me trying. Maybe my heart was wrong, maybe my principles, my belief that diving head first and wholeheartedly into something .. maybe all that was wrong. 'Cause it's not easy. It's not easy when you're sick, when you're sad and you're used to going back home to your huge comfy bed, going back to the endless and pure love of your family, going back and have someone to care for you, only to realize it's not like that anymore, the comfort and safety is not there anymore, 'cause you're in this country by yourself.

And I am so, so thankful for the friends that I have who care for me so much, those who text me when they know I'm unwell, those who bring me out when I'm lonely, those who come speeding straight to me when they know my heart's breaking for some reason known or unknown. The 3 people who have always held my hand and passed me tissues while sitting outside on a dirty road (or similar) while I was crying.

I am glad and grateful for these people.. but it's still different from family.

Oh, this melancholy.