Affection & love scare me. I remember telling a friend that there'll come a time when you've been hurt too much and it will probably take a long time for your heart to heal. You just cease to expect, to believe, to trust, to hope that this time it'll be for real. I think I sort of lost myself somewhere along the lines, I think being betrayed by people I trusted made me replace the heart that felt too much with a robotic one. Because I really, honestly, can't seem to care anymore.
How ironic is it that I got 'infinite hope' tattooed on my wrist just a few weeks before people starting abusing my trust & love? Maybe sooner or later I'll find my way back again, maybe I'll overcome this and start believing in myself again.
Until, then, it's really nothing but metal & titanium.
May 23, 2010
May 10, 2010
Memories
I'm reading thru my journal entries I wrote years ago...
30 Oct 2005
Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die:
1. Work for charity, either opening an orphanage or creating a center for disadvantaged kids
2. Have my own youth hostel
3. go to New York, spend a term there
4. Write a book
5. open up a small Secondhand Bookstore
6. marry the man of my dreams, adopt kids.. sth like that
7. Learn Tagalog
Seven Traits I Look For In The Opposite Sex
1. NOT stingy
2. funny
3. not so serious..
4. but serious on important occasions
5. loving & accepting me for who I am
6. taller than me
7. Intelligent..not boastful
23rd sept 2005
what if the world you've happily built around you comes crumbling down.
what if the love you've been expecting isn't so much at all.
what if you're not really loved that much.
what if you're tired of being hurt.
what if.
i think i expect too much.
i expect to be the most important person in your life.
i expect you to fill me with sweet, nice words, which i'll believe,
because i believe in every word you say anyway-
that's why i cry everytime you say hurtful things to me.
but now i'll stop with my expectations.
i'll stop wanting anything.
07thmay2005
I wish people would stop judging me based on what I do or what I do not do.
08thapr2005
Me: 'yes it does! it smells really sweet, like happiness.'
13thfeb2005
It's weird.. eventho my sister went off to Uni 2 years ago.. I only see her about 3 or 4 times a year, and I'm still not used to it. I miss her a lot. Oh, it's not like we were perfectly peaceful siblings. We used to bitch fight a lot.. but I can't live without her.
30 Oct 2005
Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die:
1. Work for charity, either opening an orphanage or creating a center for disadvantaged kids
2. Have my own youth hostel
3. go to New York, spend a term there
4. Write a book
5. open up a small Secondhand Bookstore
6. marry the man of my dreams, adopt kids.. sth like that
7. Learn Tagalog
Seven Traits I Look For In The Opposite Sex
1. NOT stingy
2. funny
3. not so serious..
4. but serious on important occasions
5. loving & accepting me for who I am
6. taller than me
7. Intelligent..not boastful
23rd sept 2005
what if the world you've happily built around you comes crumbling down.
what if the love you've been expecting isn't so much at all.
what if you're not really loved that much.
what if you're tired of being hurt.
what if.
i think i expect too much.
i expect to be the most important person in your life.
i expect you to fill me with sweet, nice words, which i'll believe,
because i believe in every word you say anyway-
that's why i cry everytime you say hurtful things to me.
but now i'll stop with my expectations.
i'll stop wanting anything.
07thmay2005
I wish people would stop judging me based on what I do or what I do not do.
08thapr2005
Me: 'yes it does! it smells really sweet, like happiness.'
13thfeb2005
It's weird.. eventho my sister went off to Uni 2 years ago.. I only see her about 3 or 4 times a year, and I'm still not used to it. I miss her a lot. Oh, it's not like we were perfectly peaceful siblings. We used to bitch fight a lot.. but I can't live without her.
May 7, 2010
Who ever said it was easy...
A few weeks ago (a month or so back, I guess, I never pay attention to time) I met a girl who exclaimed it must be great to be without my family here. I just smiled and said, no, it's not actually. I guess it's always easier to assume I have it easier. No curfews (although I haven't had one since I was 15), no direct nagging, no one to knock on my bedroom door and ask if I've been drinking, no hiding the cigarettes, no interrogation of what's, why's when's, how's.
But it's not. I've always been surrounded by family, by loved ones. Even when I took my semester off for an exhange to HELP Uni in 2007, there's always this reassurance and knowledge that I'll be back after 7 months. Even when I was studying in Berlin I'd know I could just take the ICE train and be back home in 4 hours. One and a half years ago I decided to pack and lock two suitcases and board a plane to KL for an undecided period of time. Since then.. well you'd know if you were a friend. A lot of highs, a lot of lows, the life of someone who is trying to prove to her parents that she can survive being in Malaysia, trying her best to be independent (or something like that). And in the end, maybe it's not enough, me trying. Maybe my heart was wrong, maybe my principles, my belief that diving head first and wholeheartedly into something .. maybe all that was wrong. 'Cause it's not easy. It's not easy when you're sick, when you're sad and you're used to going back home to your huge comfy bed, going back to the endless and pure love of your family, going back and have someone to care for you, only to realize it's not like that anymore, the comfort and safety is not there anymore, 'cause you're in this country by yourself.
And I am so, so thankful for the friends that I have who care for me so much, those who text me when they know I'm unwell, those who bring me out when I'm lonely, those who come speeding straight to me when they know my heart's breaking for some reason known or unknown. The 3 people who have always held my hand and passed me tissues while sitting outside on a dirty road (or similar) while I was crying.
I am glad and grateful for these people.. but it's still different from family.
Oh, this melancholy.
But it's not. I've always been surrounded by family, by loved ones. Even when I took my semester off for an exhange to HELP Uni in 2007, there's always this reassurance and knowledge that I'll be back after 7 months. Even when I was studying in Berlin I'd know I could just take the ICE train and be back home in 4 hours. One and a half years ago I decided to pack and lock two suitcases and board a plane to KL for an undecided period of time. Since then.. well you'd know if you were a friend. A lot of highs, a lot of lows, the life of someone who is trying to prove to her parents that she can survive being in Malaysia, trying her best to be independent (or something like that). And in the end, maybe it's not enough, me trying. Maybe my heart was wrong, maybe my principles, my belief that diving head first and wholeheartedly into something .. maybe all that was wrong. 'Cause it's not easy. It's not easy when you're sick, when you're sad and you're used to going back home to your huge comfy bed, going back to the endless and pure love of your family, going back and have someone to care for you, only to realize it's not like that anymore, the comfort and safety is not there anymore, 'cause you're in this country by yourself.
And I am so, so thankful for the friends that I have who care for me so much, those who text me when they know I'm unwell, those who bring me out when I'm lonely, those who come speeding straight to me when they know my heart's breaking for some reason known or unknown. The 3 people who have always held my hand and passed me tissues while sitting outside on a dirty road (or similar) while I was crying.
I am glad and grateful for these people.. but it's still different from family.
Oh, this melancholy.
May 6, 2010
Lately, I've been feeling it's too late
Lately I've been thinking and dreaming a lot about my family. Maybe there's this invisible thread that binds my heart to those of my loved ones, and the bigger the distance between us, the thicker the thread will be - mine is probably as thick as a cable car rope, and it pumps into my heart and my head the memories, the words, the voices of my mom, sister, grandmother.
I remember when I was really young, every time my mom had to travel I would dream of her at night. Somehow it was always the same dream, the same story line, albeit in different settings - in the end she would always leave me, and I would cry and run after her, but I could never catch up with the vehicle that she was in. I've always had a fear of losing someone whom I love, and whenever I had this dream, the 5-year-old me would wake up with real tears on her face.
Lately I've been thinking about my childhood a lot, like the smell of Nivea cream in my mom's room, like smelling my grandma's sarongs, like the balcony of my grandma's old bungalow.
Lately I've been imagining how great it would be to rewind the time, to visit the old places I used to run around in when I was small. Our old house, the old bungalow, my dad's place, my grandparents' place by the beach, the apartment in Brunei.
Lately I've been missing the safety I had when I was a child.
I remember when I was really young, every time my mom had to travel I would dream of her at night. Somehow it was always the same dream, the same story line, albeit in different settings - in the end she would always leave me, and I would cry and run after her, but I could never catch up with the vehicle that she was in. I've always had a fear of losing someone whom I love, and whenever I had this dream, the 5-year-old me would wake up with real tears on her face.
Lately I've been thinking about my childhood a lot, like the smell of Nivea cream in my mom's room, like smelling my grandma's sarongs, like the balcony of my grandma's old bungalow.
Lately I've been imagining how great it would be to rewind the time, to visit the old places I used to run around in when I was small. Our old house, the old bungalow, my dad's place, my grandparents' place by the beach, the apartment in Brunei.
Lately I've been missing the safety I had when I was a child.
May 5, 2010
I was a bimbo for 5 minutes
Me: But there are cool geeks, you know, like... *thinks*
Nick: You mean like, Harry Potter?
Me: Harry Potter's not a geek! He's like a ... a.. magician!
Nick: What, you mean he has shows in Vegas?
Me: Fuck that 's David Blaine! I mean he's a wizard! Harry Potter's a wizard!
Nick: You mean like, Harry Potter?
Me: Harry Potter's not a geek! He's like a ... a.. magician!
Nick: What, you mean he has shows in Vegas?
Me: Fuck that 's David Blaine! I mean he's a wizard! Harry Potter's a wizard!
Cuteness overload
HOMGAH my nephew is so effin cute!!
Our Kadazan blood will always produce awesome babies. haha.
May 4, 2010
Tak faham
Things that I don't understand/kinda piss me off:
-People who don't use the bell at the gate/door. Calling me and telling me "I'm here but the gate is closed!" is kinda retarded cause the bell is there for a purpose. I'm not the bloody receptionist.
-People who call me during working hours and start talking about nonsensical things like the Zouk raid, clubbing nights, baby diapers etc. I. AM. AT. WORK.
-People who send me a proposal in a form of a forwarded email with no explanations whatsoever 0_0
-The toilet paper is hidden in the admin's office because someone is supposedly stealing the toilet rolls. What, what, what!
P/S Project 365 is now over here for 10 dollah.
-People who don't use the bell at the gate/door. Calling me and telling me "I'm here but the gate is closed!" is kinda retarded cause the bell is there for a purpose. I'm not the bloody receptionist.
-People who call me during working hours and start talking about nonsensical things like the Zouk raid, clubbing nights, baby diapers etc. I. AM. AT. WORK.
-People who send me a proposal in a form of a forwarded email with no explanations whatsoever 0_0
-The toilet paper is hidden in the admin's office because someone is supposedly stealing the toilet rolls. What, what, what!
P/S Project 365 is now over here for 10 dollah.
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