What I did on a hot Sunday

Today was one hot ass day. Lately the weather has been a killer, thank God for air-conditioning in the office, although sometimes it gets warm there as well 'cause we only have 1 (old) air-cond unit for like, 16/17 people. We really should request for another one. But I digress...



Alda and I went downtown to take a look at Pesta Chow Kit Kita (FB), a project by and for the youth in Chow Kit, which was held at KL Krash Pad (FB). One of their assignments was to interview and take pictures of people living in the area, which included homeless men and immigrants. I'm not sure if the gallery will still be at KL Krash Pad, but it's definitely an eye-opener. Chow Kit Kita is an awesome project to engage teens and make them feel important and needed, especially those who come from an under-privileged background. Too bad not a lot of people knew about this event!
The band that played during the opening ceremony was pretty awesome, I didn't catch their name though

The heat was killing me by then - I wore a flowy tube top with shorts and flip-flops but I was still sweating like mad, even the back of my top was drenched! I'm also tanner now cause we were walking up and down under the hot sun.

Anyway, after that we headed to The Annexe because a friend asked to check out a photography exhibition there (FB). Organized by a group of Taylor's College students, 'Everyone Has Hope' showcases photos taken by young Burmese refugees.
It is...I would say refreshing to see pictures taken from the view of innocent children, and also heart wrenching at the same time to find out what kind of conditions they live in. Did you know that although they are given the refugee status, the Malaysian government doesn't grant them basic rights, such as education? They're not allowed to attend public schools, so they go to this 'Burmese school' which is situated in a shop lot and are taught by volunteers. You can purchase the pictures from the exhibition and all proceeds go to the Burmese school (there's a donation box there as well). Do check it out, it's going on til Nov 27th.
The Burmese kids who participated in 'Everyone Has Hope'

Peter Jackson (cool name eh), whose photo I bought

Back back back with the powah, powah

So I'm back to blogging, after taking a long ass hiatus, after so many scattered posts. Why? Do I even need to justify my actions? No I don't, but looking back at my Livejournal and my older blogs, blogging's a nice way to record down certain memories. And this is what it'll be (when I have the time to) - a (mostly) photographic evidence of what I've experienced, gone through, been to, wish for.

Where do I start?

UNIQLO landed in KL, people! I was invited to interview the MD for Singapore & Malaysia, went to their media 'tour', went for their party, and witnessed on Facebook how amazing the response was on their first day of opening. UNIQLO's a favorite for basics, I've washed my tees like 100 times and they're still super soft! The Japanese really know how to make quality products.

On the same day as the media tour, right across the road at Pavilion was the M-IFW 2010. I went for a few shows - so far my favorite is Tom Abang Saufi. I heard Michael Ong's songket collection was good, even though I wasn't there to see his show myself.
MSN Life & Style did a few Street Snaps for our site at the M-IFW, take a look at the people who were dressed to impress, stand out, the works!

Gosh so work's pretty much write, think, contacts, think more, do more research, keep myself updated, attend events and make sure articles get written!

A few days ago, I did this very guerilla, DIY, low-budget photo shoot with Ze! and my Kreme Kart pals. I'm awfully impressed by Ze! and her sister Yasmeen, their style is so refreshing compared to what you usually get in KL...


More updates soon, especially of my beloved Pistol Pete. xxoo.

Look mah! I'm being silly in a video!

When I was still with Rip Curl we sponsored some apparel for Car Crash Heart's music video, and they invited me to the second half of their video shoot at MILK Club. The moment I arrived some Caucasian lady pulled me in to sing a long karaoke style to 'Just A Face In A Crowd' and I ended up in the vid! (see if you can spot me there are so many people in there)



I first watched CCH perform in January and I was really impressed with their performance. Check out their Facebook fan page and click LIKE!

Metal&Titanium

Affection & love scare me. I remember telling a friend that there'll come a time when you've been hurt too much and it will probably take a long time for your heart to heal. You just cease to expect, to believe, to trust, to hope that this time it'll be for real. I think I sort of lost myself somewhere along the lines, I think being betrayed by people I trusted made me replace the heart that felt too much with a robotic one. Because I really, honestly, can't seem to care anymore.

How ironic is it that I got 'infinite hope' tattooed on my wrist just a few weeks before people starting abusing my trust & love? Maybe sooner or later I'll find my way back again, maybe I'll overcome this and start believing in myself again.

Until, then, it's really nothing but metal & titanium.

Memories

I'm reading thru my journal entries I wrote years ago...


30 Oct 2005
Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die:
1. Work for charity, either opening an orphanage or creating a center for disadvantaged kids
2. Have my own youth hostel
3. go to New York, spend a term there
4. Write a book
5. open up a small Secondhand Bookstore
6. marry the man of my dreams, adopt kids.. sth like that
7. Learn Tagalog
Seven Traits I Look For In The Opposite Sex
1. NOT stingy
2. funny
3. not so serious..
4. but serious on important occasions
5. loving & accepting me for who I am
6. taller than me
7. Intelligent..not boastful

23rd sept 2005
what if the world you've happily built around you comes crumbling down.
what if the love you've been expecting isn't so much at all.
what if you're not really loved that much.
what if you're tired of being hurt.
what if.
i think i expect too much.
i expect to be the most important person in your life.
i expect you to fill me with sweet, nice words, which i'll believe,
because i believe in every word you say anyway-
that's why i cry everytime you say hurtful things to me.
but now i'll stop with my expectations.
i'll stop wanting anything.

07thmay2005
I wish people would stop judging me based on what I do or what I do not do.

08thapr2005
Me: 'yes it does! it smells really sweet, like happiness.'

13thfeb2005
It's weird.. eventho my sister went off to Uni 2 years ago.. I only see her about 3 or 4 times a year, and I'm still not used to it. I miss her a lot. Oh, it's not like we were perfectly peaceful siblings. We used to bitch fight a lot.. but I can't live without her.

Who ever said it was easy...

A few weeks ago (a month or so back, I guess, I never pay attention to time) I met a girl who exclaimed it must be great to be without my family here. I just smiled and said, no, it's not actually. I guess it's always easier to assume I have it easier. No curfews (although I haven't had one since I was 15), no direct nagging, no one to knock on my bedroom door and ask if I've been drinking, no hiding the cigarettes, no interrogation of what's, why's when's, how's.

But it's not. I've always been surrounded by family, by loved ones. Even when I took my semester off for an exhange to HELP Uni in 2007, there's always this reassurance and knowledge that I'll be back after 7 months. Even when I was studying in Berlin I'd know I could just take the ICE train and be back home in 4 hours. One and a half years ago I decided to pack and lock two suitcases and board a plane to KL for an undecided period of time. Since then.. well you'd know if you were a friend. A lot of highs, a lot of lows, the life of someone who is trying to prove to her parents that she can survive being in Malaysia, trying her best to be independent (or something like that). And in the end, maybe it's not enough, me trying. Maybe my heart was wrong, maybe my principles, my belief that diving head first and wholeheartedly into something .. maybe all that was wrong. 'Cause it's not easy. It's not easy when you're sick, when you're sad and you're used to going back home to your huge comfy bed, going back to the endless and pure love of your family, going back and have someone to care for you, only to realize it's not like that anymore, the comfort and safety is not there anymore, 'cause you're in this country by yourself.

And I am so, so thankful for the friends that I have who care for me so much, those who text me when they know I'm unwell, those who bring me out when I'm lonely, those who come speeding straight to me when they know my heart's breaking for some reason known or unknown. The 3 people who have always held my hand and passed me tissues while sitting outside on a dirty road (or similar) while I was crying.

I am glad and grateful for these people.. but it's still different from family.

Oh, this melancholy.

Lately, I've been feeling it's too late

Lately I've been thinking and dreaming a lot about my family. Maybe there's this invisible thread that binds my heart to those of my loved ones, and the bigger the distance between us, the thicker the thread will be - mine is probably as thick as a cable car rope, and it pumps into my heart and my head the memories, the words, the voices of my mom, sister, grandmother.

I remember when I was really young, every time my mom had to travel I would dream of her at night. Somehow it was always the same dream, the same story line, albeit in different settings - in the end she would always leave me, and I would cry and run after her, but I could never catch up with the vehicle that she was in. I've always had a fear of losing someone whom I love, and whenever I had this dream, the 5-year-old me would wake up with real tears on her face.

Lately I've been thinking about my childhood a lot, like the smell of Nivea cream in my mom's room, like smelling my grandma's sarongs, like the balcony of my grandma's old bungalow.

Lately I've been imagining how great it would be to rewind the time, to visit the old places I used to run around in when I was small. Our old house, the old bungalow, my dad's place, my grandparents' place by the beach, the apartment in Brunei.

Lately I've been missing the safety I had when I was a child.

Changes.

I need a change of scene, just for a while.

Herr Doktor & I

April has really been nothing but stress &sickness.

The first half of the month I was diagnosed with bronchitis, and this week it's confirmed that my constant bouts of gastritis have given me stomach ulcer. Apart from taking meds that are supposed to thicken the stomach lining (or something), I also got Xanax and painkillers so I can actually sleep at night (yeah stomach ulcers are a motherfucking painful bitch), and - I'm supposed to follow a new diet for a month. It excludes milk coffee dairy oily food oil nicotine alcohol - which is actually 90% of my daily consumption -_-

The doc said the main cause of stomach ulcer is stress, well true that, this month hasn't actually been easy on my emotions. He says I need to take a break because the way he sees it, I'm already half-way sliding down on the road of depression. Sigh.

What to do. what to do. what to do.

Man.Kind.

In remembering you, which words would others use?

The end.

I'm tired, I'm broken.

1 1/2 years in KL have been nothing but new experiences for me.

Meeting new people, experiencing the working life, going throught the bad things. Except that the bad things seem to overweigh the good things.

For the 11 years that I was brought up overseas, I've hardly encountered this much stress as I did here. Sometimes I think, why did I want to come back again? Do the short bursts of happiness really justify the negativity that affect me here?

In KL I've met people who I welcomed in my life as friends, whom I love with all my heart, but lately I've found out they're nothing but a bunch of back bitching folks, those who act friendly in front of my face but talk shit about me behind my back. Saying things like I'm a bitch, I'm completely demanding, unreasonable, even to the point where they have nothing else to say, they'd say ridiculous things like how I hang out with 'ugly people' to make myself feel better. Do you think I wouldn't find out in the end? KL's small, what you say and do will come back to you. You can spread things about me, you can back-bitch about me all you want, but at the end of the day it'll just reflect on what kind of person you are. Exaggerrate about my character all you want, hurt me all you want, pretend to be my friend, but your true colors will show. I found out about that the hard way. If you have a problem with me, do let me know, let's solve this together, don't pretend to be my friend, don't say everything's a-okay but then when I'm not there, I'll be the topic that you bitch about. Funniest thing is, these people seem to bitch about everyone, even their own best friends, as if it were the others who are crazy, not them... does it make you feel good about yourself when you bring your own friends down? Does it fulfill your ego?

It's hard to find a true friend in this small city of a developing country, where people just seem to care about glamor, being out with the 'cool people', having a pretty/hot/handsome/rich lover. People think you're easy to get, people spread rumors cause of jealousy or insecurit or just plain selfishness. People step on you and stab you from the back just for a career advancement. People want more than just honest, caring friendship. People seem to push their butts in where their asses aren't needed or desired. People want more and more of you, when you have nothing left for yourself. They just suck you dry, use and abuse you. They pretend everything's okay when they'd waste no time in talking shit about you in your absence.

Sometimes I think, why did my heart want to come back here again? Go against my family's wishes, go through life the hard way, being alone here - and all I get in return is this. Sometimes I feel, the only way to survive is to be cold hearted, a back stabber, egoistic, be an ass kisser, a rumor monger,uncaring, hedonistic, selfish.

A true friend is.. just really rare here.

Burned out

I've been feeling just completely tired since Sunday, what with being sick whole of last week and the weekend trip, and a very busy schedule the next few days. I'm really emotionally and physically exhausted, I feel I'm being stretched too thin sometimes, people going me! me! me! all the time, expecting my time, my strengths, my heart, when I don't even have any of these things left for myself. It's not that I don't want to hang out with you, but sometimes I really can't, I'm just dead fucking burned out, I just want to be alone, not talk, stay in bed. It makes me feel even worse if people start forcing me to or make me feel guilty for not being able to see them..

I just want some 'me time'. I really feel like running away.

Friend, not fighter.

These are the things that I know about myself.
I'm far from perfect. I can be reckless, slightly hedonistic, overly optimistic, too much of a heart person at times. I can be naive, too dependent, too forceful. I can be strict, somewhat demanding, a bit like a mother. But I am always, fiercely loyal when it comes to friendship.
I cannot do much, I can't wave a magic wand and make everything okay again, that I know. But if I know a friend is in need, I'll do anything I can just to make you feel better, even if it's just a slight, almost invisible improvement. I'd stay in the mamak with you until 5 am until I'm sure you've stopped crying and you're able to drive back home, I'd send you endless texts when you've had a fight with a loved one cause I know how much it brings you down, I'd call you again and again until you bother replying me just to make sure you're okay. I'd stay awake talking to you even though I'm dead tired if you text me at 1am telling me I need to go on MSN cause you need someone to talk to. I'd go to a mamak or McD's to see you until late even though I'm sick just cause I know how it feels to feel like shit and to be alone. I'd go for drinks with you to drown your sorrows and listen, and not make judgements on what you're doing when you feel fucked. I'd make my boyfriend or someone pick you up so we can talk just cause I worry about how you're doing. I'd lend you money or buy you cigarettes when you're out of cash, buy you a meal and not think about it. I'd help you anyway I can, personal or business wise, whatever's in my power to do. I could be having the most amazing sex in my life with Robert fucking Downey Jr, and I'd run straight to you if I knew you needed me. I'd share my joys and happiness with you, bringing you to places where we'd have fun, just cause we're happy doing these things. I know it's nothing much, but I'll be there for you whenever you need company. It's because each and everyone I bother spending time talking to, spending time with, once I think you're a true friend of mine, I really do care for your wellbeing, I give you a piece of my heart. I'm bitchy, I know; I have low tolerance for bullshit, but I'll never backstab a friend, or bitch about you behind your back. I can assure you if I do bitch about you, I've already said the same thing to your face.
But there comes a point in life where I think, you know what, I give up caring so much. I can't be bothered worrying, I can't be bothered helping, I can't be bothered wasting my time and energy anymore. Because I've experience things from different people like backstabbing, backbitching, being an emotional punchingbag for your anger you don't dare express to the right person, and it brings me down. It really does. And I can't keep up with this anymore.

sakit lagi

i'm getting sick too often. sucks ass. and my nape piercing reacts to my health condition, so it swells a bit every time i'm stressed or ill. it hurts. :(

(ps.)

A promise to myself-
sink deeply in the moment. enjoy the time with friends, these are the people who love me &make me laugh. i love just sitting down somewhere, talking about everything. cracking lame jokes - although i let the guys do this, i can never tell jokes cause either i'd forget how they go or i'll find them too hilarious that i'd just start laughing myself and not tell the punch line. i love how i'm happy around these people cause they're just themselves: no competition, no bragging, no hijacking topics, no suffocation of 'me me me'-syndrome.

xx

Sedih sekali sekala

Sometimes it doesn't take much to make me sad. Tough outside, tofu inside. I saw a blind man last night, waiting for his family member outside the washroom, and just seeing him wait there patiently made me sad. A realization came over me, about how we take so many things and so many people for granted, all the time. Our bodies, our physical abilities. Money that we throw around for artificial momentary happiness, food and drinks that we indulge in every day, material things that we think will make us look good. People that we have around us, people who love us and care for us unconditionally. Slowly, slowly, I want to be a person who's more aware about her surroundings, who's more thankful, less self-indulgent.

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

Harimau mau mau

Do you know (random fact nr. 219)
I have this unhealthy obsession over Winnie the Pooh & Friends merchandise (and Hello Kitty,lol).
It runs in the family (well okay, I also suffer from a slighttttt Peter Pan Syndrome)

Meet my cousin's baby Aidan, an extremely hyperactive but cute monkey



It's the Year of the Tigger! Rwwaaarrrr!

If I were to ever have kids I'd make them run around in costumes all day long.

Sekian

Thank you to all my loves who were concerned when they found out how worried (and teary) I was last week due to my grandma being hospitalized. Much heart to those who texted me every day inquiring about her health, and mine, knowing how affected I was. You must know, my grandmother played a huge role in forming who I am today, and what I aspire to be. Nearly every day of my life was spent with her before I moved to Europe in '98; all the stories, the memories came flooding when I heard the bad news...so yeah you can imagine how badly shaken I was (I look like I'm all tough and happy-go-lucky all the time but I'm quite the tofu when I come across emotional situations).

I'm sitting on the balcony writing this, and I realized how my love for balconies was developed (I could spend the whole day smoking, drinking, napping and talking on the balcony)-
when I was really,really young, we would go over to my grandma's old house every Sunday with my cousins, aunts and uncles. The whole Sunday would be spent running around the house and lazing on her really huge balcony with the constant presence of cookies, cakes and smell of coffee lingering in the air. I loved those Sundays.

Bella Luna

Thank you.

Lelaki

Really not interested in guys right now.

Especially because I'm hardly the wild, sexually promiscuous girl people take me as (I guess cause of the tattoos and piercings), I'm quite a romantic at heart. And it's insulting to me for guys to approach me and think you can score a date with me easily.

Also, really not interested in your personal life, I hardly talk about my friends' lives, so I don't understand why people seem so kepoh about mine.

what I do, who I'm with, and all is noneeee of your business.